英文已如此搞笑，翻译却更加残暴

winne007

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一
1 G2 y1 G" K* v8 R6 Z+ @辆然后求上帝宽恕。
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) _7 S8 P/ G( N# n- K0 ^' w' d2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
) x/ V( B" h5 b. N5 n6 q/ x7 and yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
样死法啊！
  q0 Y5 w- N* |8 n8 S4 ]
5 c  z" [9 V% r3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.
你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你

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  s; _3 N) d! K1 t4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。
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; j! U  p( R4 {- e意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。

意译b：吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
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5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
, A$ b1 \- C: oa. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
& i1 S: j- @' ]9 U% P7 D
$ ]6 C  R3 c8 X$ `# B4 lb. 若XXOO是下体的痛，那么，是你操错。
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6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
/ p7 @0 s1 _* \/ Z) k
a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！

b. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。
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2 \3 x: G6 o! }( g# `+ E7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
% m) K/ A% m* ^) N- n在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.
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5 Y5 d, Z, N& W- Y# x: e" b8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
+ y  R/ X; m! Ibetter have a good hand.
- c8 D7 l  s4 }XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
' T- U: F* O+ l9 e! F  m
8 o1 L8 t8 U9 {& l. p9 Y6 @9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
9 T  N5 v/ Q% ~+ H! E& Q- q8 un't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
& V( H' X: t: ~$ J还是很有喜感。

6 I7 D% D. n7 ?* o" G( k0 B+ s10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
- h- K5 H0 H3 |3 `* G" E2 |, Vged regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！
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11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
* s6 H* ~, ]1 v3 l. u' o战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。
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12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
.
a. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！

b. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。
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13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
# N, P( c' j; K) l" q- c# r% m我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。

* C+ B) i# j9 W: N; l9 x' G+ p3 k: p" `14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
n, make him a sandwich.
2 {! [6 G# P" w' ^% d- T( y' }2 V! P男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
2 l0 {, B+ A+ K& Y( W4 ^
" E8 e, M7 q# W: d& _% K15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright unt
4 E. U: }' R# [+ Q! B5 bil you hear them speak.
光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...

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, x! f% p2 W. O' ~9 B16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
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( w% A- M% v' i- H17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
, \$ s& ?, v2 q1 I! `曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。

3 \6 ~. ]' h- Q( Z  R18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment
s.
& p$ ?7 X; o5 U* p. H* h你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~

7 S- L* r  ]( P19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
% ?( S3 D& S) R9 XXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...

! J- |+ V: K+ e. W20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
+ i; j0 ~+ \* k; U4 @- p2 d+ stell you why it isn't.
晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。
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8 h* @# G$ g6 v8 X21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
# i% k. F8 i9 s" J5 X直译：一根火柴能点着整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事！
意译：想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科

22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoy
2 O' k. d3 f) I# o- a1 g; ss it?
3 V8 ~2 g/ F# [3 B2 Z& l5 {: i如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？
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23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fr
# Y# U4 z- E& A1 d, Suit salad.
: u! K& M( J# o: P. S直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
, u0 z+ u4 O; U9 M2 ]" O. u意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个
篮子。
- u5 Q, |% b+ S9 m0 l2 j5 R意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧的猫扑告诉你这终还是男女有别~
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24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- E5 A& k7 v" j* P- [4 Q1 [+ {1 b上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！

+ U4 B4 X9 I8 J* L8 e5 {( w7 |25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
, z# G% @2 D3 I8 H& Asame night.
无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。
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( [) y' l& V+ f3 y5 ^26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
. L5 c, }8 U5 G+ h, J老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。

0 ~# z% v4 U0 z* _$ r. W! F# p  o27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops
# M/ O1 ^2 N& _1 x+ {5 X: s: Y. On my desk, I have a work station..
$ }  G  ~5 ^" @' q+ `/ D公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…

28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
要是我听你的，咱俩就都2B了。
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29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captiv
" n% O- f2 \4 U* W. N( City, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw the
m fish?
海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃
了。
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30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxin
1 H( w7 K# Z9 @: Dg.
a. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！
, p! i5 [& _5 @( c: g) B2 v5 ~0 pb. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散！
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( o8 F0 W) \9 c31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implan
ts?"
* c& X; P  z' f9 W4 u* G( Q: `; a瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着“Guess”...俺就问了一句：“...隆过？”
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/ O8 s$ r+ J5 E& I32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
) j. H8 s7 z$ R. jand talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-
up.
* i" C4 |' N7 D, v' R" M( ?孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。

  Q; Q0 d: Z2 \/ m% }1 s  G33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, bu
t check when you say the paint is wet?
为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”？

8 ]9 F: S$ w+ g34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove al
8 g: t0 o, }! G. }# il doubt.
+ y8 o/ t' \0 d& j: C0 Ea. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。
b. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。
c. 剽悍的人生不需要解释
d. 猫扑里德话说就是：宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口解释所有疑。
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35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don'
t need it.
银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方

: L. {2 k3 o: L+ [36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
" g# g/ Q2 r& U, O: da.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。
1 ]# ]7 s' v8 j9 h! c
b. 你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。

37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
7 s2 Z/ h$ x* L( la. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！
% i1 a# s, A1 H1 F; x. P- Q意译：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足够让我意淫

38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
a. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？
意译b： 自从那次在人妖身边醒来，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜……”
c. 意识清醒了，意味着不堪回首了。
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39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
' n0 d# K2 H( B( v8 Wb. 想立牌坊就得会装
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40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
临危忽然微笑的那谁，定是找到替罪羊鸟~

41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
& k: u+ o" u$ B/ [; Xa bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
7 T& C# y0 `& r如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等
。
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42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- W, z: k% |3 f+ H, d& C小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。

43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad gi
  _' Y- u4 l' g( irls live.
" \, ?0 ?  Y* f& K$ E% g圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！

44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is resear
ch.
8 `; m4 V8 H% j3 F5 {剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。
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45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
/ g3 r% q* q: \6 V/ Q( Y2 O有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。.
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+ v$ G5 n# P$ l/ l4 X, R46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
+ K- Z' S1 ~0 Y! e! tgreat white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨
5 c4 ^+ b, ^3 u8 \- }7 g# q叫声是一样滴。

47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。
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48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
我可没怨你！我是在谴责你！

49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergenc
3 h( s! m6 r; g( F2 Hy, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什
+ T: M" E7 x  b么忙？！

50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
6 u  m6 t3 i6 W7 s0 A  a7 r/ d+ E- m上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！！！！！！！
8 V: S/ B7 E: T2 A5 n) y

winter3d

真是很厉害的翻译！

' t5 S1 I# Z7 c第4个，意译b，个人感觉差了很多

9 f" L3 R9 L" m6 g: G. _6 I+ B第49个，没看懂

naptid

有几处，俺给改了改

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
8 n9 R& q( P) e- ^8 r7 X5 F* And yelling like the passengers in his car.
" W$ U. H3 @. c  q我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
样死法啊！
' \# t9 }% p8 u. J* v( A; R; ~$ J我希望像爷爷那样，死时能在睡梦中安详离去，千万别像他开的车上那些乘客，发出杀猪般的惨叫……(原译句可能生歧义)

5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
1 q" W  X  g, K6 W  [$ {a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
# e& G" I; h/ j. S8 T& Y相爱时难合亦难，眼神无力菊花残。

( p6 u* b% w. p3 Z+ Z: b2 z/ Z6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
6 Q5 y( ]+ S) E$ Ka. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
# [2 F6 U' O  A5 n% Q& L6 R先来的小鸟有虫掏，后到的老鼠得奶酪（更押韵）

8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
5 U: b: q% Q( o" n5 \& e: G! {better have a good hand.
/ P& M( n. {5 t2 t: zXXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
0 j, e' u3 Z& o( I0 r% ZXXOO就象打桥牌。如果搭档不帮忙，只好靠自己的手帮忙了。
( t2 z3 G$ D$ G: O' d5 Z
9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
6 ]* x8 x& k- ]1 I! en't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
+ W2 u9 t- t: ?6 @. N, H- E4 f9 {有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
/ o& Z* I% ?/ {; P- ^还是很有喜感。
某些人就像“机灵鬼”玩具，啥优点没有，但看到他们在楼梯上滚下来还是蛮开心的。

" J% Z. Z# O3 N10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
ged regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！
3 n; s( d' E- B3 ~# {: r政客和纸尿布有个共同点：都应该经常替换，连替换的理由也一样
, z/ {  a( W6 G' k; K" N  @
14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
n, make him a sandwich.
0 V' Q) t7 Y# i8 \& p( }/ E9 k男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
; U; T& h; u8 x男人就两种状态：饥饿和饥渴。 如果他硬不起来，就给他做个三明治吧。
& H/ H6 g6 U7 p, V+ h# f- f6 K
( N& ]3 F, @" D! q: P! G16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
+ L$ @- A9 f8 T0 ~9 L: ]: v3 R: q每次我妈骂我“狗娘养的”，都没发现内中蕴含的笑点。
4 {' ]. t" w! @5 U0 g2 r% I$ h& B
17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
曾以为自己想要一份事业，其实真正在乎的只是那份薪水。
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( N. C+ b8 D! L5 y& I. N19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
XXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
% k0 E8 a4 [( x2 OXXOO不是回答，而是提问。“喔喔”才是回答。

39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
若得一世不见光，婊子也能立牌坊
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9 p0 F% R8 r( d) _
另外，有几处B用法不合适，应改成其他词

winne007

回复 naptid 的帖子

第五句你改的那句第二句诗我觉得可以改成,眼神不济菊花残.

xma

我记得好像是FML里的东西啊，有点老了...

Eric.Sun

你这个会误导大家哦，呵呵。 你终于换头像啦，不简单啊，不过怎么又有德国的足球场啊。 我这两天在备考，刚刚在网上写了骗作文要发表给老师评论，哪晓得一点提交直接出现一个null。 然后就什么也没有了，我已经碰到不只一回这样的事情了，还真他妈点背。
不行，我得去喝点凉白开，看看会不会塞牙。

yanlan

我上次看到这个的时候，。。。。。。

janny8158

uyuyu

lax0601

好搞笑

妖怪书

我记得我回过这贴的呀……奇了怪了

6 R* {# ?! d6 c我觉得N版改得经典