1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
u% @& q d' G2 h# [bike and asked for forgiveness./ s. G! t" \1 e# _& H
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一
; g5 P/ h+ a- A: P5 U% j7 h: P辆然后求上帝宽恕。- t* j6 F9 ?% G* m
: C2 a' L% t: x1 c4 H2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
) A v, B3 Y E2 _nd yelling like the passengers in his car.
4 W, c6 N7 i. E& F8 _+ p) w我希望能像爷爷那样,安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
6 K* d: \5 I5 p" d* K7 m样死法啊!
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) s- L d% T% J+ Q8 a5 e: \3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you' A; M' \* h7 v7 r9 z1 j! U# R
with experience.9 z# ^# l: q! y6 j8 |" l
你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你4 M, w5 [$ p8 E# r; |: J
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4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.+ W8 t( c: [. p) k5 V- ?) K
直译:在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。
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7 `0 X7 F8 w& }意译a:我真不想伤害你,但你也别逼我。' T* H1 c5 I% s( ?: s; U
+ N% K# i3 t; i. L6 B4 Q
意译b:吾虽不杀伯仁,伯仁由我而死。
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5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
' ]3 x4 E8 B! z. u |a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛,那是你操错洞...
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" N- E% _- J) ]0 t# wb. 若XXOO是下体的痛,那么,是你操错。; |1 {' G" e6 l$ ~9 q8 i* c) x' k
+ C" w# v* _$ e/ _! S6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.; {$ C8 @8 p- I7 W4 R
/ f' J3 [; @- u5 x) C& Ka. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫!晚到的老鼠有奶酪!% m! }7 H4 }8 {' Y
" b0 i2 F* H% j( Y% A0 P9 Pb. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃,早起的虫儿被鸟吃。
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& x8 e1 {$ V3 ?1 ?+ A7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
, z2 B& ^7 c7 T" [在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.: o3 s8 T7 b k0 W
: Y$ d! t- h$ s8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
. ^0 A$ V4 J% L0 c; b' kbetter have a good hand.
3 \7 |8 ^5 K+ R: N& BXXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使,自己的手必须好使。
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- c$ N% T4 H; L7 {7 P8 B U. @# F$ A9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca) a- @" o$ f7 \# u) j. e6 |
n't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
. Z, v- S! j" s; A! E有些人就像 Slinkies (弹簧玩具),没什么实在用处,但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去' `3 L {# Y# d' b
还是很有喜感。! v- _$ L* S9 {" W8 S
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10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
, v5 Y* p9 f6 j G8 X- Tged regularly, and for the same reason.
7 T. c8 q( }$ L- X5 L" g1 e6 q1 C政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是:他们都很有规律地被替换,而且因为同一个理由——脏
2 \/ s5 x1 `, U. h了!!6 ^( Y4 V {+ r5 R3 z! u
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11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.1 I1 {# ^9 ^9 K$ H' m- f. m
战争不能决出正义,但能判出哪方出局。# F, ?' u! v+ { q3 h( g+ B* J
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12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship0 H3 v, @2 Q' C5 K, ^
.
D, f2 ?* |/ F$ G7 s4 d G9 ma. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的!
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( f& q! Y. n; \b. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情;男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。' b C+ R8 L) W3 v
+ H( V, T+ ~2 m/ Y2 A1 i. K13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
; F& F: \8 `% U+ @我们永远不可能真正的成熟,我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。1 D* b$ g- L- M' D9 t; g9 D
+ q; x- A4 X- J
14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
' r/ z/ ~" k+ T1 K( k$ m& z: \# L! O# vn, make him a sandwich.6 b9 |% F0 C8 M6 c! U. \; d9 _# k
男人就两种状态:饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬,就给他个三明治!0 A, I' k3 \- P- E
9 s" ~' m! ?& Z3 w1 K15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright unt# f, ?4 R$ H. ^1 U6 C% v
il you hear them speak.( g. j x% q3 F" `
光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...
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16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
" A" H- l3 H# K) G' a我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。' Z4 E7 s& G7 g3 m3 @; ?
9 h s* R, A# V. b5 H" E17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.4 Y3 d* E9 p& G- p) L! p
曾以为我想要的是职业,结果发现我只是想要工资。+ Y3 T4 l% e s8 d
X u) i& S4 O9 U' s: r18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment
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7 U e& j) M$ i0 ]% \. x$ J你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~* @! [" Q! B9 c; h% K5 t
+ l/ ]/ l$ V. J' ^4 h4 J( a# |19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
6 @$ T# ^& n ~8 \4 uXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
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20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
V6 O+ B6 Y) e3 ~3 S; r: m/ s7 mtell you why it isn't.
( V, Z* p2 j3 W8 j) ]晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头,再告诉你你为什么好不了。
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21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
& s; [% L9 w2 Vbox to start a campfire?
- B7 c$ p! y. Y3 I+ ^# r9 d' f直译:一根火柴能点着整片森林,一盒火柴也生不起个营火,这咋回事!
+ a. C8 ~. E8 \) a+ g意译:想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕,看今朝叔竟然去看男科: P4 x# V7 G% w0 r0 j" w! n. o
- ^' W. X; b' C22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoy
0 m' {( ^( Z+ w' e; I* t1 _s it?
2 o/ ^. w! e4 X+ R% O i如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦,那剩下1/5咋回事?很享受吗?+ A5 }$ Z7 j% B' I0 f$ L7 R1 {
# ^7 b3 O% [! o! F7 l; x" Y/ s% Y23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fr
. \% J0 x$ z3 Z! C7 b# ?* Duit salad.* N5 I7 Y0 B- g& {
直译:知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果;智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。! L, u( ^ P) z0 p$ z
意译a:知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子,智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个
( ^; i9 A) d9 t5 ~篮子。
3 _7 N& p0 {6 _4 `5 q意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后,但智慧的猫扑告诉你这终还是男女有别~
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24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.. ^, `$ `" H6 w
上帝瞅着咱们呢,大伙好歹喜感点吧!
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8 k7 h& @0 @ {1 k5 V, u& M% Q) W25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
E; p" X. p* c) }same night.
9 W) C' i; @$ q$ i& X. R* Q无论,在任何情况下,永远,不要在一个夜晚,同时吃,安眠药,和通便灵。8 w# I- z. d3 J- [6 M2 V! v4 ~- R
8 E S. p1 U; G26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian1 V" U* J+ }- [
老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端,不是为了成为一个素食者。" m! r; b6 P# }0 w6 y. Q s" I4 A4 m
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27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops1 p! x+ b1 h. v4 ~; W* c. ~
. On my desk, I have a work station..8 l. |- J. [) c+ q
公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…8 A, C. K5 w4 d5 E* n- Z0 F0 }+ M
( j: v" U# W& r+ i2 R28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.+ r) C6 Z6 K( s; l# \
要是我听你的,咱俩就都2B了。
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29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captiv
+ W; T3 h6 w: |5 k9 v! b+ d0 ]ity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw the
9 T1 ]0 A k$ N/ Hm fish?
( R6 T8 d1 w7 M @ d( [5 J海豚可聪明了你知道不?只要驯养几个星期,它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃
+ N* _2 A& S- Y1 X, ^( k了。
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# {1 d0 n* I4 R$ r0 T30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxin. {6 b( @' g1 b3 H; Z' ^
g.
$ f, {2 K# c0 p1 k- Va. 下棋,我不行;玩跆拳道,电脑不行!
R$ R1 X* n- E3 wb. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转,拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散!3 C. |# k7 `3 e0 w7 z- q) O
( j8 {0 ?* R# O; `* l% K31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implan" o4 A. ]7 [) _& L; _
ts?"
, w0 R" l; D1 f9 X瞅见个姐姐,胸前衣服上写着“Guess”...俺就问了一句:“...隆过?”
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+ ]9 f8 L3 l n) z; }/ c: q32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk! \% t- _; j! v0 \. r$ ]; j5 y
and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-) N# V* M& G' Y- I* B. O
up.. z$ |8 O3 i8 e; }
孩子就是:你先花2年,教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。 x5 h" c; {7 M* P" @( M5 s7 _1 Y
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33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, bu5 {( G+ _( K1 l: Q7 R
t check when you say the paint is wet?
8 z' h% U4 `7 [+ A为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑,却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”?
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% p1 I0 t7 ]' ~/ h34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove al9 i4 Z& c/ i, A$ v$ S
l doubt., ~: E/ m. Q7 T9 L& d
a. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜,也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。( M8 f D* Y6 o
b. 越解释越SB,不说话最NB。* N# @( ~1 s9 |& ^" Z
c. 剽悍的人生不需要解释
# _1 ]8 z( [! n4 d0 I% o: T$ _d. 猫扑里德话说就是:宁可闭口被人当SB,也不张口解释所有疑。! `) K5 d. m2 p; q `
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35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don'6 ?9 `) P2 \' @/ S
t need it.
6 e8 s+ K! a" V) o) E银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方
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36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
/ J1 i1 _ X0 ]6 B( Sa.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧,别人都在这么做。6 w, ?* q2 A+ ?
# w( w+ G) Z v' |b. 你有什么不开心的?说出来给大家开心开心。% k f: R- W9 y0 q0 Z' T, t3 ]3 T, [
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37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!( o( J0 w3 M5 ^5 @1 y
a. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天,但那些话真TM有用!
! w) [0 j# j1 |4 h h意译:我幻想的低吟不一定是真的,但足够让我意淫' ~( c2 G! l" C
& {$ i+ @1 p; Q3 @0 }+ H0 v6 N f38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.: \1 d' Z4 i5 X. O' u
a. 无愧于心哈?记性不好吧?7 S9 F" G' p9 a& p0 M' ]6 N9 y8 L6 K- Y
意译b: 自从那次在人妖身边醒来,每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜……”4 W) j( `3 B; `; }+ V. Y
c. 意识清醒了,意味着不堪回首了。: F( w8 p/ l& C: j
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39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- r. {7 z0 x! B$ {8 N6 Pa. 所谓的好姑娘,咳!就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····* }) y! ]4 W7 V& }8 {# m
b. 想立牌坊就得会装
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; u/ Q9 N% q8 F, @. r40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.. Y8 ^+ w' F( g: V7 K" B2 @* B4 \' M
临危忽然微笑的那谁,定是找到替罪羊鸟~( j" \( n" ?6 b$ u- g
5 j5 Y- l3 I! I; G' \41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with3 q: H5 s+ a$ c8 o! a$ L. g0 S
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
+ `1 V7 @9 H p( p如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等
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% {0 A. \. ^6 D9 P o! r, O I. y42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.7 |: R- R" }0 K! @4 Q- `
小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。
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43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad gi
1 m2 L; y) b' p% z- v$ h" h: Y: `rls live.
# v" S* j5 R# K9 \圣诞老人当然美,他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊!
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44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is resear
6 z6 m& t2 [4 M3 i3 @& gch.
6 _( B( U1 ] y% u r2 h: f剽窃一个人的叫剽窃,剽窃许多人的叫研究。& ?! d" ?5 y. s+ z; Z* S
意译:窃钩者诛,窃国者为诸侯。
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45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
4 A" a+ Q5 ]6 G0 j( r& X$ r M有些人一来大家就开心了;有些人一走大家就开心了。.4 Z) k0 q- g; K) |1 H
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46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a ) m" T" E# _. n | ?
great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
e1 E- k0 I1 d y( L! \2 @9 D我发现,我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时,我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨
5 |7 w2 M) i3 `! x- Y1 I% p叫声是一样滴。
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; [" N4 Q: A( k9 n, f& g3 R47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
3 M) H2 F9 ? p0 Q5 ?) E: X. |直译:你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人,肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。. Q% N3 U9 {/ a1 `' n
意译:灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。/ o& M- _8 o7 m
' i2 y- {9 [" d) A9 ?% J1 Z4 }48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
# p2 l, K: D& Z2 \我可没怨你!我是在谴责你!
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49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergenc, F- @( Q/ F" |; U
y, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
9 f5 e1 I& ? J1 f' o% a当我填表的时候,有一项是“紧急情况联系:” 我填上了“医生”,到时候我妈能帮上什
: j# d% l8 K' f8 ~2 w) a么忙?!
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- ?! ^2 s# d; ^/ x. {8 B50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
f% C6 N; W3 O0 u上帝一定倍儿爱SB,不然他造这么多!!!!!!!6 A! _- ?- \, u0 i& R* t n* h
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