英文已如此搞笑，翻译却更加残暴

winne007

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一
辆然后求上帝宽恕。
$ G  f& s+ V3 j# y0 E6 d: X
2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
3 Q2 B+ n0 w& s; C# u2 z* w' A, Knd yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
2 Q. ?1 X6 ]! d* @/ A样死法啊！
, q3 y3 ]2 @( G6 l& A- c
) \. P; ]0 ]3 ?) f/ c8 S* U$ T1 @, ~3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.
你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你
! c" y4 l: D( Z& v! j7 h

4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。
# k4 ?% l8 Y1 ~3 L# L9 e; G4 ~
意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。
7 {4 g+ Y9 C4 I
& A1 e" P- Y3 P% b; @: R, J意译b：吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。

0 W9 ~; ~& _# I2 L9 L5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...

! g8 e# w2 K5 k3 T& D& H# b0 K, Jb. 若XXOO是下体的痛，那么，是你操错。

! ~  n9 V( u; \9 _7 X& O# g0 A! {& b6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

5 d- t- u5 ^: z# r3 `1 b9 ta. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！

# A4 V6 {) p2 [) N' ?/ _b. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。
5 K  M: ~# s5 J1 T; j/ y  u
7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
5 Z& V1 W* c6 l在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.

7 h# O6 `, J* a# r! n7 c( f5 B; {' C8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
! b1 y& H, y  {. ?; Tbetter have a good hand.
8 Q7 @( z( U- A5 HXXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
, x4 Q( {, S$ N+ B& _6 ~
$ `/ |( F3 i, Z1 e9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
n't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
2 o" \& G8 P& z- `  A有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
还是很有喜感。
8 r6 U& r$ L: y
10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
# I3 [( ^7 H" }1 i2 P2 qged regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
( U! a& M. h6 H- P6 D了！！

11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- I" Q" @8 q7 I6 }战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。
& m! j6 B& p, }$ H1 ?2 T
3 p) |3 j# y! N* W6 A12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
8 m/ C6 m( ?3 r( z  e.
a. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！
. M. e  v$ [" Q/ ~4 p( z% e, q
" v  z7 u$ z. o; V6 a0 d; P' Ab. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。

13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。
! c) e" o$ _; I6 @0 Z8 J+ K
14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
n, make him a sandwich.
男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
+ c  F  y" _" o  `
15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright unt
" O& M( v8 X; Pil you hear them speak.
* V" n& B* e6 @% x光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...
0 F7 n& k- s8 b7 K; G. B8 C
1 [+ ]9 a2 S9 X) V) P! }/ u
16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。

17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。

18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment
5 U- C; O: i. V; ~s.
你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~
, W4 d1 `/ N9 o4 M
0 A! o% Z2 m2 F5 i19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
XXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...

+ Z# H( ^/ p' ?% P- X7 }/ L20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。

21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
$ p4 p& i! D7 f+ u3 |0 _box to start a campfire?
直译：一根火柴能点着整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事！
* s/ V+ A; l: J7 O. V6 H; _) c7 n意译：想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科
" [1 r+ e" V9 c
8 T  z' S/ @8 s22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoy
s it?
( n# s; J$ p" j如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？
- S0 |& l5 \: ~- m  S$ Q4 Z- \% }+ V/ S
23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fr
uit salad.
直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个
) f% ^  m$ Q5 x9 @' t篮子。
+ _( c0 o! U3 |8 Q) U意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧的猫扑告诉你这终还是男女有别~

24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！
9 t/ {9 T# O9 l8 ]& G0 @* t$ X
25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
" [" U, i) h( v: a1 {" \2 Psame night.
无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。

26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。

27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops
' {5 Y% u! B$ k! @) b. On my desk, I have a work station..
' V2 S; I1 ]' e% |9 _+ f公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…
- k+ C" u# D" X7 S
  v' q' o' e2 S- E- k8 N0 C28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
7 d( S1 N8 e9 w1 I6 E2 }' f0 H$ u; Q要是我听你的，咱俩就都2B了。
/ |9 U1 G; D, q& h. N; }
29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captiv
" M/ \% V0 I" bity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw the
. `$ C4 a; r' _4 Gm fish?
8 n! h# r, w' {% {# c' e海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃
了。

" j  ~4 l1 v: @& s30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxin
0 h( ], W$ i7 w9 T" M2 m7 Qg.
% p% O% S4 `1 S: J. ha. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！
% d1 \- O1 F  {6 O+ a& l5 w6 o; sb. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散！
. {5 l# C+ ^9 A! A' c# A
31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implan
: Y/ }! U, D0 Q5 U* I$ B* wts?"
瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着“Guess”...俺就问了一句：“...隆过？”
( T4 ]" H. d* U
32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-
& Q( B+ U3 u1 ~up.
" V0 D! L. _' W& |# Y8 P) O& H5 W孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。

33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, bu
1 [2 [7 V4 |0 D4 [: b0 V7 a- m4 Et check when you say the paint is wet?
为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”？
. ]  {: ]. T% \2 H/ V% Z
34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove al
l doubt.
a. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。
b. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。
' K8 s0 `" Q0 u0 D# ic. 剽悍的人生不需要解释
" _$ M2 X$ D  I6 U7 t" j, dd. 猫扑里德话说就是：宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口解释所有疑。

# @2 W5 X1 D2 l8 S7 z% K4 q1 f35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don'
t need it.
银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方

36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
) ^7 m: n5 w2 g5 J+ Ea.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。

b. 你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。
9 t$ I5 T0 d) w( O6 F9 p8 D. N9 _
( E- e* j0 D& x1 P37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
a. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！
意译：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足够让我意淫

2 L0 ]6 E) ^( W! |0 P38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
a. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？
5 h- l; k7 K6 s意译b： 自从那次在人妖身边醒来，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜……”
c. 意识清醒了，意味着不堪回首了。

9 {+ f$ J+ W( B- `2 |! H9 {39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
b. 想立牌坊就得会装
8 \! {" }8 ^* V0 ~" g( s2 c
40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
* K' @7 V# m* O1 s# e临危忽然微笑的那谁，定是找到替罪羊鸟~
$ a3 Q5 S7 C1 K6 O
41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
  M! G; T" z5 s4 {" }2 Va bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等
。
) A, {3 m6 W+ R& M& e8 P% J
6 I/ _4 q4 x! W6 R* i5 B42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。

$ y9 A* m4 \) s, l& w2 F# j43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad gi
rls live.
/ W* ]  |) A2 J7 [# I! O圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！
) F& a: ]6 E2 }( P; G3 x, F! `
44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is resear
ch.
剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。

" w2 B3 e7 d  e1 g8 E2 T  t45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。.
. m1 D; @/ Q$ M/ Z
46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
  ?( _( g! c& }5 H" Vgreat white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  C/ P8 G! M: y* O' w我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨
8 }+ s$ `, K) e. }9 e叫声是一样滴。

: l& E( h- _& J1 L3 U( l47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
1 f) d! W* P8 G' L: U直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。

48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
4 k& ~) s5 Y; d7 W3 x, G; j我可没怨你！我是在谴责你！

- i/ ~2 m$ h0 p3 r49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergenc
y, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什
么忙？！
3 I# D" S0 f, S. C8 X, v; W
- K1 K/ H1 U3 }6 }2 v3 C) U% K50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
! q- M1 j: d8 U& g9 E1 G) w. Q上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！！！！！！！
4 f  _! j6 P) D0 Q1 y' G

winter3d

真是很厉害的翻译！

  s$ N( l# h. u) |( S第4个，意译b，个人感觉差了很多

* U; u! s) t5 h/ m1 o第49个，没看懂

naptid

有几处，俺给改了改

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
nd yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
7 M  h- k; e) |4 K% P) [! `样死法啊！
我希望像爷爷那样，死时能在睡梦中安详离去，千万别像他开的车上那些乘客，发出杀猪般的惨叫……(原译句可能生歧义)
# R  a4 y! R5 n6 `% X# X
5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
# P, I" i5 h, t* Wa. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
相爱时难合亦难，眼神无力菊花残。
/ x( r) H7 s% r) B
) d* H+ {6 F4 u0 g6 d3 q6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
5 \) b- X0 D! h% da. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
先来的小鸟有虫掏，后到的老鼠得奶酪（更押韵）
* L, S8 e  ?9 |9 g
! Q8 [0 K! W! v: h& ^1 p1 Q8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
; R4 |& k4 O$ C, {7 E6 dbetter have a good hand.
7 b& ?, R: Q6 P6 F( z7 ]& |0 `/ KXXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
7 U( `* Q7 t# T6 A0 d9 BXXOO就象打桥牌。如果搭档不帮忙，只好靠自己的手帮忙了。

; [0 [/ P. U+ L0 I4 [9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
n't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
& L, ?* M+ h3 U& d9 r还是很有喜感。
5 `, p0 z# u# m+ X0 d1 [某些人就像“机灵鬼”玩具，啥优点没有，但看到他们在楼梯上滚下来还是蛮开心的。

10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
" G. Y+ n3 m' w$ a% bged regularly, and for the same reason.
6 }1 }1 Q' a0 C- v( R: }1 w政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！
政客和纸尿布有个共同点：都应该经常替换，连替换的理由也一样

6 [; U# v7 m* R/ j14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
2 }+ z$ g1 \: T! [n, make him a sandwich.
男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
男人就两种状态：饥饿和饥渴。 如果他硬不起来，就给他做个三明治吧。

3 p  n; M6 Z6 ~, Q7 |16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
0 O  f6 ~! m0 C8 z每次我妈骂我“狗娘养的”，都没发现内中蕴含的笑点。

17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
$ J. f% C% P4 ~& ~曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
  G' p( v- K' E. b" e7 ^曾以为自己想要一份事业，其实真正在乎的只是那份薪水。
, ^" x; s' v  u4 a1 c6 o
19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5 d* G; L# `) J0 D! X  y2 OXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
XXOO不是回答，而是提问。“喔喔”才是回答。
/ r. U3 {) }: P+ ^' r: L8 [) m( i
4 C# B/ t7 D2 H. g* Y39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
0 K# @1 ?: k: Z若得一世不见光，婊子也能立牌坊
# L8 E3 c, Q% G& f
9 V4 z) O- v" {  \! n( i5 ^$ H. ^
1 J! G& u3 `; O另外，有几处B用法不合适，应改成其他词

winne007

回复 naptid 的帖子
. k  f( t$ }; `5 T6 G) A1 U8 h
第五句你改的那句第二句诗我觉得可以改成,眼神不济菊花残.

xma

我记得好像是FML里的东西啊，有点老了...

Eric.Sun

你这个会误导大家哦，呵呵。 你终于换头像啦，不简单啊，不过怎么又有德国的足球场啊。 我这两天在备考，刚刚在网上写了骗作文要发表给老师评论，哪晓得一点提交直接出现一个null。 然后就什么也没有了，我已经碰到不只一回这样的事情了，还真他妈点背。
! V( L" O+ ~- L0 Y0 u不行，我得去喝点凉白开，看看会不会塞牙。

yanlan

我上次看到这个的时候，。。。。。。

janny8158

uyuyu

lax0601

好搞笑

妖怪书

我记得我回过这贴的呀……奇了怪了
. C$ b( W% y  Z5 B: P
我觉得N版改得经典