英文已如此搞笑，翻译却更加残暴

winne007

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
9 ~" d/ o& Z& b( i! [& B! nbike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一
辆然后求上帝宽恕。

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
nd yelling like the passengers in his car.
( b9 E$ n6 l9 ?6 \" T% j我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
" ]4 {0 ^$ e2 P' c样死法啊！
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; Q; p7 G$ h; q. G' I3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
: n8 Y: i7 V. ?with experience.
你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你
6 h6 r9 b. r9 z& r8 l

6 L# e+ t3 P. p* \7 j+ w4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。

8 }5 b5 ]8 Y" O7 p" `9 Z9 P8 h意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。

意译b：吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。

5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
0 |3 I' ], E( z6 ba. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
5 m, u8 _" ]  `3 \: |) b: {/ ~
b. 若XXOO是下体的痛，那么，是你操错。

* E+ h. @6 H, B+ {$ |; N6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- t3 r2 O! ?6 m' e) G/ o
a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！

% u: v, C, c# C% Sb. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。

7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
. X2 i' h- z. ]" e' {在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.

8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
0 j* V3 M6 \" H; Y" l" \XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。

9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
  F8 I" |/ s! C6 \. v4 Vn't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
还是很有喜感。
# h6 X; R  @3 k! a" T7 {% X
10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
  g$ i; |4 M" Q; Kged regularly, and for the same reason.
1 r% E! s8 S5 _$ v6 u% {7 C2 Z% m政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！

9 m( E8 R, b3 l3 s: o$ x11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。
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12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
' `; [( L% [' Z' C, q8 z, ].
a. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！

b. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。

5 u$ w( x' V% F; U8 h- e# a2 n13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
4 N9 ~- ^4 g- V1 X我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。
: p$ i* p. t; K- H  p5 X4 Y
14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
7 B; f6 Y  c! E% I. F) Hn, make him a sandwich.
男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
$ Y  j5 P" C" u* W; m$ ]; V9 B# E
15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright unt
il you hear them speak.
光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...


9 ?& K& T: S- I/ h16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
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17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。

18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment
s.
, M8 D1 }% [2 e+ Z1 `( b你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~
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6 ~) B$ j( c8 l& N" Q  T4 \19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
6 p- j1 `$ e% {1 \# i8 }& PXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
7 P& A$ k" W, @& G; }7 V7 q; C% g% B
20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
& R( h# l# W$ F3 p. Vtell you why it isn't.
晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。

21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
8 Z  M4 T3 Y# e4 l直译：一根火柴能点着整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事！
$ B9 h* h; r+ A  w& o) `0 n$ z意译：想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科

3 D3 G1 [( B* z; ^" R22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoy
s it?
如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？

23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fr
3 h& l& d( Y# P5 k0 J# k1 p: }: b0 |! cuit salad.
直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个
' l3 k# M5 n& f. r0 \! v; z篮子。
意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧的猫扑告诉你这终还是男女有别~

" j- A# y& P0 E8 n0 |, [24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
' Z, X' H5 n8 u6 {上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！
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4 e" l; x! T& E2 Q+ z  j1 H25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
' S# V$ Q# }5 l' t1 ^9 a无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。
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7 @# g; H, w7 U+ P$ D26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。
8 a& d: v. s9 h9 ], m
7 V! j, q, d3 r! b! b- w27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops
  R& k9 a) H# C# b  |. On my desk, I have a work station..
公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…
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8 p6 `4 l$ a3 }& l7 ?* @0 Z9 }# V28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
1 C& i( F/ K4 s1 ~" i- N$ E/ O- i要是我听你的，咱俩就都2B了。
8 f/ w4 r4 @) U+ Y" c" W/ p
29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captiv
ity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw the
m fish?
海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃
( v" o0 O+ m; Q! {& C# ~了。

. |% M* Y, h& l; s" j0 u# X30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxin
( U1 w) P7 ^* Mg.
) r& N' g. c' a3 i- D; m6 sa. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！
b. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散！
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/ u  B) `3 f. }+ ~* _31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implan
ts?"
瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着“Guess”...俺就问了一句：“...隆过？”
/ b! {7 g" c2 }! @- Y0 X
32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
" l  j1 o( e7 mand talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-
up.
孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。
8 H6 G  s7 `, y+ ^5 [. S$ D
33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, bu
3 A' K" P# C% q, ot check when you say the paint is wet?
为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”？

( Y  A/ f. T+ ]" T2 w, |34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove al
0 B# Q# P- R0 ^, U4 Il doubt.
a. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。
, d, V4 ^( e3 @+ ob. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。
c. 剽悍的人生不需要解释
4 e% ?" H' W! M( {1 S0 b- Md. 猫扑里德话说就是：宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口解释所有疑。
: ?9 P$ U1 ?6 h* d' q2 {
" _  r, a( o" ~35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don'
t need it.
) \9 y; p$ M# p: @' q银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方

5 G  v- A% Y% z+ x0 ^36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
2 G$ i3 P: F. k/ h1 v/ V/ g" la.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。
* e; @( H: p: F: L: V. N! _$ g
b. 你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。
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37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
* U- F. x5 g" ^7 p# o( sa. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！
* \% N2 L/ ^% G- A/ d. K意译：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足够让我意淫

/ \1 i; w" A  J& c$ m38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
a. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？
意译b： 自从那次在人妖身边醒来，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜……”
c. 意识清醒了，意味着不堪回首了。

39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
- i" ?( A2 }" ?8 P2 r: eb. 想立牌坊就得会装
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40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
临危忽然微笑的那谁，定是找到替罪羊鸟~

+ }* Y' y* ?" @41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
2 R& M4 K+ n( s! m" t- A1 Aa bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
6 n/ g1 Z0 }( ?0 i* |; R( R4 y如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等
0 p& m$ F' v+ b: E7 x( C. F- j。

42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。
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43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad gi
rls live.
圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！
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8 _6 }& O9 ]9 C/ {+ r44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is resear
ch.
剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。
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45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。.
, ~3 U6 f0 {2 O$ o, S
+ J6 U+ ~. N  ^# N% h, G46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
7 F* V! L* O" C; w我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨
# a* }1 Q: k  S叫声是一样滴。
( y9 J0 Z/ I9 s6 R! i4 p( l5 @
0 r. W8 m' `% H47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
8 E3 @8 V6 b0 T" b8 A- n5 N, n直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。
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48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
我可没怨你！我是在谴责你！
2 [, u& y* _2 g& F: X
49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergenc
y, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
& I" y: F1 g7 @6 P  h3 [8 f当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什
: @7 l2 m+ n" F么忙？！
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6 C# m( e5 P4 B. ~9 W) N50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！！！！！！！
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winter3d

真是很厉害的翻译！

/ J8 {* E/ g  [  }第4个，意译b，个人感觉差了很多
$ A* d9 R) U7 @# }
4 y$ H) o4 ?' P2 x8 R第49个，没看懂

naptid

有几处，俺给改了改

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
2 g+ Y3 c  c2 a  ?0 F. znd yelling like the passengers in his car.
2 l' ]; l; O9 U$ C$ v% P0 R我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
  u# N5 r4 O7 h% j样死法啊！
% N/ P+ Y: ]3 z我希望像爷爷那样，死时能在睡梦中安详离去，千万别像他开的车上那些乘客，发出杀猪般的惨叫……(原译句可能生歧义)
8 z. e9 H# L8 B. W$ u- }5 I
  c4 p) K; a$ m5 r5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
相爱时难合亦难，眼神无力菊花残。

6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
& r& O. V! N4 x# H7 Z4 ia. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
/ Z4 s3 Z# N8 m" G' E. n& N! A先来的小鸟有虫掏，后到的老鼠得奶酪（更押韵）
3 O+ c/ C6 T+ F6 R7 ~
8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
XXOO就象打桥牌。如果搭档不帮忙，只好靠自己的手帮忙了。
4 h: o& |" ]6 o- Y$ i/ v7 c
9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
/ I1 w- x  \/ Nn't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
9 u* o4 |: F% D* ?$ m4 o有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
还是很有喜感。
某些人就像“机灵鬼”玩具，啥优点没有，但看到他们在楼梯上滚下来还是蛮开心的。
7 t7 R! o3 _' G  `/ y
) h5 t1 g/ R0 A/ ~: W! q4 R10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
ged regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！
) a: D( x5 T( ]' P$ b% z政客和纸尿布有个共同点：都应该经常替换，连替换的理由也一样
" B8 r' m1 H% y" ?4 L
9 @8 T6 J8 g- u1 @4 T14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
+ L9 I9 A+ j9 f  q  C8 f8 w3 bn, make him a sandwich.
男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
+ g7 A5 l& ?; V男人就两种状态：饥饿和饥渴。 如果他硬不起来，就给他做个三明治吧。

16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
) ^. @  z+ w' G( u5 t我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
每次我妈骂我“狗娘养的”，都没发现内中蕴含的笑点。

3 J8 d+ C, V+ k+ a$ J) B$ i+ y1 Z17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
1 @& I) ?' P, ~0 n3 K- A/ w曾以为自己想要一份事业，其实真正在乎的只是那份薪水。

19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
XXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
2 T0 g; ], v7 E- ^' OXXOO不是回答，而是提问。“喔喔”才是回答。
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39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
( e" p' \# B. ]若得一世不见光，婊子也能立牌坊
* H5 K% w+ v+ {0 l" t8 s

另外，有几处B用法不合适，应改成其他词

winne007

回复 naptid 的帖子
( x. Z; R# X1 ~
第五句你改的那句第二句诗我觉得可以改成,眼神不济菊花残.

xma

我记得好像是FML里的东西啊，有点老了...

Eric.Sun

你这个会误导大家哦，呵呵。 你终于换头像啦，不简单啊，不过怎么又有德国的足球场啊。 我这两天在备考，刚刚在网上写了骗作文要发表给老师评论，哪晓得一点提交直接出现一个null。 然后就什么也没有了，我已经碰到不只一回这样的事情了，还真他妈点背。
不行，我得去喝点凉白开，看看会不会塞牙。

yanlan

我上次看到这个的时候，。。。。。。

janny8158

uyuyu

lax0601

好搞笑

妖怪书

我记得我回过这贴的呀……奇了怪了

) R( l3 E3 G8 [' M" w4 M我觉得N版改得经典