英文已如此搞笑，翻译却更加残暴

winne007

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一
辆然后求上帝宽恕。
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4 z5 ~, g2 b( [' H, `% u, T8 C& x% t2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
; l0 Z2 p# X6 ~  f* A% qnd yelling like the passengers in his car.
- L/ b/ n. w* d) H! Q8 k) t我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
样死法啊！
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3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.
你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你

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4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
7 X" J, r) D* T1 o5 I+ c直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。
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# {7 X9 H, h$ m% `7 |意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。
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意译b：吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
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4 ~' U# s  L7 Z; R1 W5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
' M/ c1 x  Z1 m# d- t( E8 i1 D& o1 ^( Ma. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
/ i  E0 f1 ^, T9 K* C
b. 若XXOO是下体的痛，那么，是你操错。
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4 h8 @3 q% H( \8 X, ?! ]% K* M6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
6 M( r2 S% G- V6 y& h6 ?
a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！

# t8 G  z* R- M" G9 J& Yb. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。

7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
( U8 t* D$ M$ S% c/ h  B  O在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.
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8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
1 A1 }& F! T9 {5 Vbetter have a good hand.
; n7 a5 M$ ^0 `4 S5 i+ |2 y: gXXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
7 ^# C0 I: Q  w$ Y( _
9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
n't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
% h' ^. K4 p! v& N有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
4 t' Z4 G9 X. w3 a' F8 d$ U还是很有喜感。

) f% i  g& M* F  h) K( ]  |10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
* j/ X! U' e* q9 `ged regularly, and for the same reason.
0 m5 g: O$ _% J& m/ e. H, d6 C政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！

11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
6 a" \9 c  P$ X' E- o战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。

+ T1 g& g8 g7 }1 R( b+ ~0 O12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
.
& Y! b7 U. y/ a" Da. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！
+ [) N) G& M" R, O- d/ R! T- z5 H
b. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。
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# M* r  O- |% {- n% r2 C13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。

14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
n, make him a sandwich.
男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
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15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright unt
il you hear them speak.
  f1 r( Y  E9 `4 b1 `光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...


16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- ^; N/ w4 ]) T9 e0 q1 L我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。

17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
+ p# q8 }. g0 l$ N曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
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18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment
; [; ^# \8 x! Z7 I7 E1 Y1 Xs.
你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~

19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
% Z+ g7 B+ U  Z+ EXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
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20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
: E% h: I& T' n6 b0 X晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。
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6 P) m2 ]" a5 s6 P  Z. k' L21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
直译：一根火柴能点着整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事！
意译：想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科

3 j: g' L2 k3 c/ H22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoy
s it?
如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？
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4 p. t4 d. E% ?. s* s23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fr
uit salad.
8 E" X. x! o4 ]- Z' ~7 o直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个
篮子。
2 l% _# g+ S5 ?) b7 o1 I) ]意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧的猫扑告诉你这终还是男女有别~
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6 a4 E* q) ^% `0 E) W, u. R24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！
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25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。
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26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
) z  f- y7 O, W4 A% N# i/ I老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。
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27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops
. On my desk, I have a work station..
! [- A8 |4 D, @1 I公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…

: R- b4 {, v) @' u0 K1 k28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
, K. d$ P4 P- a, u8 ]+ }要是我听你的，咱俩就都2B了。

29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captiv
ity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw the
m fish?
海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃
了。

- m# r7 Q/ h* @30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxin
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a. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！
b. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散！
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31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implan
, w0 y; F' ^4 Z. h5 O' c  ^ts?"
瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着“Guess”...俺就问了一句：“...隆过？”
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) |, t% ~% W- h0 Q+ a4 S( j32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk
. I. a" H* f# i. H5 ]+ n% vand talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-
' |* x: G/ ~: k# ^up.
5 x- [1 X5 V) \( G孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。

* }: }. G! I9 D% K& _/ ]+ j33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, bu
0 `* I! a6 y' E6 N9 jt check when you say the paint is wet?
为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”？
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34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove al
l doubt.
% B/ q; J+ e5 h: _# c9 ~a. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。
b. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。
c. 剽悍的人生不需要解释
, ~0 ^, [* \) [d. 猫扑里德话说就是：宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口解释所有疑。

35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don'
% o5 }7 P" a% w* I8 H5 v: ?0 B, `1 ]t need it.
银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方
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36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
5 K- A% P  I; L3 F8 n$ J) Pa.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。
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b. 你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。

37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
. d8 H/ A7 z, A0 J  ?" ja. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！
, H* U8 U+ u4 a5 K. \) c' W3 B意译：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足够让我意淫
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! M3 m0 \- `* f4 i( t+ {0 y38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
3 T3 Z$ H, b) Q' M: j3 pa. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？
2 _/ W3 b- N6 m* ^0 a7 P; O$ o1 q意译b： 自从那次在人妖身边醒来，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜……”
: C# \) c/ I( L$ m1 bc. 意识清醒了，意味着不堪回首了。
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39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
. l4 Q  [  K3 ?8 Za. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
b. 想立牌坊就得会装

40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
临危忽然微笑的那谁，定是找到替罪羊鸟~
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41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等
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42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。

43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad gi
rls live.
圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！
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! @) u5 S4 i1 D. T44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is resear
ch.
剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
+ p& T- ]3 v) n' G( H- ?意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。

9 }- m$ `( F' e( q1 s! M. p45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。.

) c( Z6 E1 B, {! G- P1 d& U5 F46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
0 f4 `1 p5 O7 x8 n7 \0 ^great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
, x3 D% B( M; W& b; s我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨
叫声是一样滴。

" r2 I8 O8 g5 ^47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。
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48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
我可没怨你！我是在谴责你！
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, J) m* a3 a8 S2 ~, H8 _. ~49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergenc
$ v# z+ j4 v: i9 [3 Ly, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什
么忙？！

50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
. y% |6 X' O2 M+ [% a- t: h/ J  x上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！！！！！！！

winter3d

真是很厉害的翻译！

第4个，意译b，个人感觉差了很多

9 [6 @. l. f( x8 K3 B第49个，没看懂

naptid

有几处，俺给改了改
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2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming a
nd yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
样死法啊！
我希望像爷爷那样，死时能在睡梦中安详离去，千万别像他开的车上那些乘客，发出杀猪般的惨叫……(原译句可能生歧义)
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5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
+ C' R7 _0 z3 v1 j* j相爱时难合亦难，眼神无力菊花残。

6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
先来的小鸟有虫掏，后到的老鼠得奶酪（更押韵）

8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
9 }* U9 Y. x9 _2 EXXOO就象打桥牌。如果搭档不帮忙，只好靠自己的手帮忙了。
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9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
7 ~) A3 h+ J6 t* j" ln't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
还是很有喜感。
+ t& j# R1 O  ]- ~某些人就像“机灵鬼”玩具，啥优点没有，但看到他们在楼梯上滚下来还是蛮开心的。
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4 g  {4 H, i5 t% l10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
ged regularly, and for the same reason.
( K6 _1 {9 e/ }8 i/ P5 [" F政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！
政客和纸尿布有个共同点：都应该经常替换，连替换的理由也一样

14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
/ l; {( N0 I& wn, make him a sandwich.
男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
: O5 B" w% i/ ~) M( H) z' P男人就两种状态：饥饿和饥渴。 如果他硬不起来，就给他做个三明治吧。

16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
( a0 Y+ n: G( i8 {, l我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
每次我妈骂我“狗娘养的”，都没发现内中蕴含的笑点。

17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
曾以为自己想要一份事业，其实真正在乎的只是那份薪水。

/ d3 ~3 c# o& w) ~19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
, ~. C' u( Q2 E/ v7 k+ G  o) uXXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...
XXOO不是回答，而是提问。“喔喔”才是回答。
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2 f- k8 k8 ^: E, H4 I3 ]39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
- b% t' B& C9 b/ ], R若得一世不见光，婊子也能立牌坊

6 g' h2 c" F+ c: z$ Y& U
另外，有几处B用法不合适，应改成其他词

winne007

回复 naptid 的帖子

/ c6 O- ^* O5 E4 ]第五句你改的那句第二句诗我觉得可以改成,眼神不济菊花残.

xma

我记得好像是FML里的东西啊，有点老了...

Eric.Sun

你这个会误导大家哦，呵呵。 你终于换头像啦，不简单啊，不过怎么又有德国的足球场啊。 我这两天在备考，刚刚在网上写了骗作文要发表给老师评论，哪晓得一点提交直接出现一个null。 然后就什么也没有了，我已经碰到不只一回这样的事情了，还真他妈点背。
- w5 r2 T. T8 a. _不行，我得去喝点凉白开，看看会不会塞牙。

yanlan

我上次看到这个的时候，。。。。。。

janny8158

uyuyu

lax0601

好搞笑

妖怪书

我记得我回过这贴的呀……奇了怪了
6 I, x" S' _% |% k
! S; @; O4 c- k( J我觉得N版改得经典